Blog #11...

The best way I can discribe my personality is very contradicting. I truely believe that although some traits are more obvious than others, and they vary depending on the people I'm around, I possess every trait a personality could possibly possess. Normally I am a very sociable person. I really like this trait because I believe communication is very important in life, but it can also get me in trouble. Unfortunately, I can also be very pessimistic. I am normally only pessimistic about myself, but when I am, I tend to completely shut down and isolate myself. One trait I am very proud of is my creativeness. Whether it is projects I do in school, papers I write, or witty statements or jokes I make, I tend to present this quality in many areas of my life. Another trait of mine that I absolutely depise is how indecisive I am. I have a very difficult time making decisions. I hate when people ask my where I would like to eat or what I would like to do. Although I have a difficult time making decisions, I believe I tend to make correct ones because I think each situation through so thoroughly. This makes me very thoughtful, which is a trait I usually like. I believe I am a very deep thinker, and because I am a deep thinker, I feel as if I am more intellectual and hold better insight. Unfortuantely, my "thoughfulness" can also keep me up on nights. (sigh) Another trait I am very fortunate to possess is my independence. Another trait people have always told me I possess is maturity. I think I tend to be very mature for my age merely because I have been surrounded with older, mature people throughout my life. I have spent a lot of time with my brother and his friends, and throughout my life the majority of my friends have been older than me. The variety in my traits causes an additional trait: changeability. Since I possess so many traits I can be easily altered depending on who I am with. I don't like this because it makes me feel as if I am being fake to certain people. The truth is, its just the easiest way for me to feel comfortable and happy in each and every situation.

As explained above, I tend to be pessimistic. Over the last 6 or so months, I have been getting a lot better than I used to be. I used to be very dissatisfied with myself and I struggled with my self confidence for a long time. I can be very optimistic in certain situations though. Whenever my friends are struggling with their lives, a lot come to talk to me, because I normally know what needs to be said for them to start thinking optimistically. I also am usually very optimistic about my school work. My pessimism has affecteed my life greatly, and created some of the hardest years of my life. The optimisim I hold creates stronger friendships in my life and also makes me more confident in my work.

One trait that varies a lot depending on each situation or who I am with is my maturity. Usually, it remains impressively high. However, when I hangout with certain people, I can get very silly. Although it helps me loosen up, I feel as if I am acting like the type of person I would normally look down upon. Another trait that varies depending on who I am around is my temper. My mature and temperness usually go hand and hand. When I am acting more immature and silly..i tend to be more tempermental. When I am mature, I most often handle the situation in a more mature way.

One of the most prominent examples I have of defense mechanism in my life is denial. I refused to admit I was suffering from depression and needed help for a long time. Because I was in denial, my situation got worse before it ever got better. I experienced Rationalization, or justifying a failure with socially acceptable reasons rather than the real reasons, in my life when I was trying to justify to my parents why I was partying as much as I was. I explained to my parents that everybody does it, and there is nothing better to do. I have also experienced displacement, or discharging pent-up feelings on objects less dangerous than those that initially aroused the emotion. Although I don't do it as often as I used to, when I would get very upset or frustrated, I would often find myself chucking things, usually my cellphone. Although my cellphone had nothing to do with the reason I was upset, it is what i released my anger on.